Where are Alan and Karla?

I’f you’ve seen the movie Stand By Me, and love it like I do, then you remember vividly one of the scenes in the movie. It’s where everyone starts puking during the pie eating contest. If you haven’t seen the movie, then no matter – what I’m about to tell you is far worse and now looking back, much funnier. Also, if you’ve seen the show “Dirty Jobs” on the Discovery Channel then keep that in mind while reading this.

Before things get ugly

We arrived in Koh Tao yesterday. It’s a tiny island in the gulf of Thailand about 2 hours from the coast by Katamaran ship. Originally we were scheduled to leave in the morning but when the boat got out of the bay the captain decided to turn the ship around before heading into open water. Apparently the waves were too big. We were not happy campers. We got up at 5:45am, took a 30 minute bus ride to the pier, then chugged along slowly in the boat for 30 minutes before having to turn back. I so wished he would have the balls go keep on but no. So they told us tourists that we could take the katamaran leaving that afternoon. Ok then, we waited at a different pier for hours and hours until finally it was time to leave. The Katamaran ship was big. Twin hulls deep in the water, the front of it bold looking like it could take on anything.

The next 3 hours were some of the worst and weirdest I’ve ever experienced but whatever, it’s over now. So we get on the boat, there’s a dozen dudes in blue shirts herding us into our seats, taking our bags, taking care of getting us going. We turned and soon enough were headed to Koh Tao. It wasn’t long before the massive waves pounded the ship. It was amazing, extraordinary and really fun. All hundred of us inside cheered on loudly as the ship would take on one massive wave after another. The ship was flung up, down, left and right. It felt like this ship was indestructible and that we were on the ride of our lives. So exciting. Then time decided to pass. And when time passes and the ship keeps doing the up and down and the up and down and then the splash on the windows and then the huge drop over the wave and the deep thump it makes when it drops – after it does that a couple hundred times then things get not as much fun for some folks.

It’s then and only then that you start to notice some things. Like you notice the plastic baggies sitting in front of you for “your convenience” and you notice that you totally just remembered how you should keep looking at the horizon when you’re on a boat so you don’t get sick. Ok cool, no problem. Horizon, plastic bag just in case, no worries. Ride the waves, ride the waves….. But it comes sooner or later. Not right away because first you just feel a little nauseous and you don’t feel much like chit chat. Then you notice the dude over on the right and two rows back you has his eyes closed and is leaning forward. Then you notice the other dude holding on to the seat in front of him nice and tightly. Then you start to sweat, or at least I do. Like when I eat spicy food sweat.

Then someone loses it. Some bastard like 10 rows back just makes this horrendous full body deep belly hurling sound and you’re like “oh, man, that’s gotta suck, ha ha ha!” poor sucker. And you laugh a little cause it’s pretty funny to hear some guy lose his thai curry 10 rows back. And then you hear him again and now it’s really really funny. Then the dude who was on the right finally loses it too. His kids are rubbing his back saying it’s ok daddy, it’s ok. And he does it again like with a coughing sound this time. Oh man. A couple more of these and 10 minutes later it’s seriously not funny anymore. I’m not feeling well and people will not stop puking all around us. Right behind Karla is the gal who’s puking, little by little into her little plastic baggies and she’s using the back of Karla’s seat like some sort of head rest for her sick head. The dude on the right is still not doing well and the horizon is really hard to find with the 20 foot waves outside getting in the way. Damnit. The german couple right in front seem to be doing just fine. At least I thought they were german so that’s what I’m calling them.

Happy times

Finally I lose it. 4 times into my own baggie. Breakfast and lunch and dinner from the night before. Gone. And I feel a little better, thankfully. But others aren’t as lucky. The puke orchestra continues for literally 2 and a half hours! A cough here, a barf there, and up chucks everywhere. At least they were playing the movie Madagascar through it all, just in case you, like Karla actually felt fine the whole ride and just smiled through it all.

The german couple never did lose it. And oh the thing about dirty jobs. The thing is that show hasn’t seen anything yet because the worst and dirtiest job of them all is the dozen dudes in blue shirts who helped us get seated and took our luggage. These guys run back and forth from one poor bastard to the next carrying fresh bags for you and letting you toss the used one in a big plastic bag. Then they hand you tissues and just generally let you feel like you’re not a total loser. And they’re doing this for 2 hours plus standing the whole time running back and forth while the ship is being tossed around like your clothes in the washing machine. That is the dirtiest damn job I can imagine right now. Then they put your luggage on the pier afterwards.

Oh and Koh Tao is gorgeous. We just spent the night at bungalows right on the water for about 15 dollars a night. The place has tons of dive shops but the weather is keeping water visibility really low. Everyone, including us, gets around the island on mopeds. Driving on the left hand side is kinda cool. It’s quiet, mellow, perfect for a couple days but we’re eager to see more.

Tomorrow we’re headed to Koh Phangan, this time on a different and smaller boat… At least it’s closer and I’m prepared with sea sick pills this time.